The new place

I couldn't stop smiling that day at work.  I was so happy that things seemed to be turning around.  I felt this great weight lift from my chest now that I was free of Lance.  I was still a little afraid that he might come in to work and find out my lie.  I would have to start walking home with Will after work so what if he saw us together?  I pushed the thought away and tried to imagine what my new place was going to look like.  It wouldn't be that hard to top off the place I had been staying, thats for sure.

Will tried to go over a few things with me during the day. He explained that Dustin had a car, but also worked so wouldn't be able to drive us most likely.  There was only one bike, but Will said that if we worked the same day he would go ahead and walk with me, otherwise we could just share the bike.  Normally we would be expected to walk home that night, but since I was a new resident, Dustin was going to come pick us up.  Will also warned me about Dustin.  "Dustin is a little hard to understand I think"

"what do you mean?"

"well it's just that he can be a little crazy and controlling.  He's not a bad guy or anything, he's just a little different than most people."

"oh" I said  "thats okay, I think I can handle it.."

"and one other thing.  Girls are always really attracted to Dustin and he knows it.  He's really good at getting what he wants, so just be careful.  Promise you won't do anything??"

"I promise.  I doubt it will be a problem."

Dustin showed up a little before we were completely finished cleaning and I found myself a little shy all of the sudden when I saw him walk in.  Will was right, he was a pretty attractive guy.  He was tall but had a muscular build, long brown hair and a really nice smile.  He didn't really seem like he was that weird, other than the fact that he talked like a surfer dude.  He explained to me again what Will had told me about the house.  That I would sleep on the couch, get one meal a day for 350.00 dollars a month and it was going to be due as soon as I got my pay check.  I agreed again and we packed all my stuff in his beat up truck.  Dustin drove some really old black truck with a stick shift.  The speaker on the left side would go out a lot which would cause him to get angry and hit it until it came back on.  I couldn't tell if it was just because we were in a truck, or if Dustin was just a crazy driver, but I was thankful for the single strap that kept me secured to the seat.

The ride wasn't very long in the car, thank goodness.  We stepped out onto the street to what seemed to be a cute little house that had been divided into apartments.  It was divided into three parts.  On the bottom lived a really fat lesbian with a bunch of dogs and next to her was some mysterious man who's apartment consisted of a single room from what I could tell.  We were located at the top of the building.  When I first walked in, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was really small, but cute.  It consisted of two bedrooms, a living room, bathroom, kitchen and some sort of porch looking area in the front.  You walked into the sun porch first and to the left was a living room.  It was decorated with three really old looking sofa's and only two of them matched.  There were a couple tables, a TV.a lamp,  and a book shelf that was decorated with a few strange books about martial arts, some strange carvings, an army helmet and a bunch of knives.  The bathroom was small and instead of a shower curtain, Dustin had strung a camouflage rain jacket over the rail, which seemed to work alright.  The kitchen was small as well, but it had all you needed, however, their silverware was very limited, consisting of two forks, three pairs of chop sticks and three asian soup spoons.  The bedrooms were the best part.  They were located on each side of the book shelf.  Each room wasn't that big, but big enough it seemed, and there were more windows than walls.  I loved it because when you would lay down on the bed the palm trees  outside made you feel as if you were in the tops of some tropical forest, and It was very peaceful.  Unfortunately I would be staying in the living room that only had one small window, which looked out to the house next door.

After Dustin gave the tour of the house he asked me If i smoked weed, which I answered yes by showing him the stash I had gotten from neil and carly before leaving.  Dustin smiled and then ran to his room, returning with a bong and some sort of strange pot he kept his weed in.  We all sat down and took turns hitting the bong and I felt myself relax.  Dustin gave me a blue sleeping bag to use since I didn't have any blankets and we all finally went to bed just as the sun was starting to come up.  Thankfully neither Will nor I had to work the next day.

Freedom

That night i didn't even bother pretending I was interested in Lance like I usually did and I could tell Lance was catching on. On the drive home I stared out the window in silence, thinking about how I was going to do it, how I was going to leave without Lance stopping me. I didn't really think he would lock me up or anything, but I just really didn't know how he would react. One thing I decided was that I couldn't wait another day. I couldn't wait to find out yes or no from Will.. I was going to chance it and just pack my stuff up and go to work.

That night went a little different than usual. Lance was distant, as if lost in his thoughts and didn't look happy. I told him I was on my period so that he wouldn't try to do anything with me that night and it worked. I sat in bed next to him and waited for him to pass out before I got up and started packing my things. My plan was to pack up my stuff and just start walking to the bus stop and go to work, but first I was going to stop at CVS and get an emergency contraceptive, there was no way I was having his baby. I had just finished and was zipping up my bag when Lance woke up. He looked at me almost with what looked like fear, and sat up quickly. "What are you doing??"

"Im leaving you Lance, I can't do it anymore."

"What do you mean? I thought you were happy, I have given you a place to stay and eat and now you are leaving me?? Why??"

Because I HATE you. Because you have ruined my life. Because you are old and balding and thinking about what you do to me every night makes me want to hurl. Because no matter how many times I wash my body I can never rid myself of the filth you have driven into me. I screamed these thoughts in my head and I wanted so bad to say them to him, but instead I lied again.

"because I miss my family and I just need to go back home. There's no way you can stop me so don't try, I will die trying."

He was silent for a moment staring at me before he finally spoke again. " Fine. Just at least wait until tomorrow please, its not safe for you to walk out here at night"

I wondered if this was a trick and then decided that i actually believed him and agreed. I was starting to get tired anyways. Plus i had been to busy worrying about Lance that I didn't even think about the people lurking out on those streets at night. I climbed back into bed and waited for Lance to sleep, but instead of hearing snores, I heard him crying. It was strange and I ALMOST felt bad, but I knew he was going to let me go and I couldn't have been happier.

The next morning Lance seemed angry. He stomped around his room and his face was empty and cold. He told me Carly would drive me to work and then he sat me down and looked me in the eyes really close. "just promise me you aren't leaving me for some other guy." His grip was tight now.

"I promise. Im going to stay with Teresa from work until I can get a ticket."

"I hope you aren't lying to me." his words gave me chills because I was lying and had no idea what he would do if he found out.

I got my stuff together and Carly dropped me off at work, she seemed sad I was leaving but I think she also understood. I gave her a hug and lugged my things into work. Everyone there looked at me strange when I came in. It looked as if I planned on moving in! I tucked my things under a cabinet and explained to Teresa and Lari what I was doing. Then remembering the "problem" that still lingered inside of me, I made my way to CVS. I went to the counter and asked for an emergency contraceptive. It had only been 48 hours so I was still okay and I said a quick prayer that it would work as I swallowed the pills and then made my way back to work.

Will came in and looked surprised to see all my stuff there already. " I know that you haven't given me your answer yet but I just HAD to get out of there, I don't care if I have to sleep on the street tonight."

"well you won't have to do that because Dustin said yes." I could have done a dance right then and there at the news, but i decided not to make a scene

"The only thing is, he said that you will have to pay 350.00 a month and in return you will get a place to sleep and one meal a day."

"Thats fine! Anything. Thank you so much, I'm so happy right now you couldn't even understand." I said

Yeah the money was kinda pricey. I only made a little over 400 each paycheck after taxes but at this point I didn't care. I was finally free!

Break Down

After being gone nearly two months, my mother decided to talk to me again.  She even mailed me a couple boxes with a few more outfits and thankfully, some more underwear.  I told her that I was in love with Lance and having the time of my life.  I was surprised at how easy it was to say now, though I felt so completely opposite.  I usually just talked about my job and the people there, it was a lot easier to talk about work because I actually did love my life there.

One day things at home with Lance went from bad to worse.  I think Lance must have been catching on to the strong desire I had growing in me to leave things there, that he started to panic.  Sometimes he would grab hold of my shoulders and look at me in the eyes and with such a pitiful voice say "Please don't leave me".  I would assure him I would do no such thing but I could tell in his eyes he didn't believe me, but I was never that great of a liar. He had even given me an iPod Nano he had found at work, perhaps as a sort of bribe. Then one night, while I was wasted as usual, he decided to try and get me pregnant.  

Perhaps it was because I was too drunk to really realize what  had happened , or I just tried to avoid it all together,  but it didn't really get through my head what Lance did until the next day.

I went to work that morning and as much as I tried, I could not stop thinking about what was about to happen to my life.  I wanted to just reach through my skin and pull out what he had put inside of me, but I knew that was impossible.  The first half of my day until lunch seemed to drag along, which wasn't normal for me.  Chamberlin's was my escape from everything, but this seemed to be something that wouldn't leave me alone.

When it was my lunch break I went out to the side and sat on one of the benches in the square.  I put on my new Ipod and tried to get lost in the music.  I chain smoked cigarettes in a attempt to loosen the tightness in my chest, but it only helped for the duration of the drag before consuming me once more.  I decided to walk around the square for a while and think.  The music seemed to fall around me like a shell of some sort and I felt myself separate from the world.  There was a line in the song I was listening to that went " I am finding now, that maybe I was wrong.  That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone."  I couldn't help but to just start crying, and I mean sobbing.  Everything I had been holding in for so long came bursting out and I didn't care.  I just turned the music up loud and let it out.  I walked around and people stared at me but I didn't care.  I felt God telling me to let go.. to stop controlling to ask for help and the feeling was overwhelming.  I sat down on another bench and watched people as I continued crying.  Most people would either pretend I wasn't there or look at me awkwardly as they walked by. Then a girl came and sat down next to me. I was almost angry at first, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, but to just sit there and feel sorry for myself.  She was about thirteen and appeared to be with her grandmother and little brother.  She put her arms around me and asked what was wrong.  " I told her that I had messed up my life, and I didn't know what to do."  She gave me a hug and told me that it would get better and that she was here for me. She talked to me some more for a while, some stories about people she had known that were hurting and what not, but I didn't really hear all of it.  However there was something about her presence I found comforting. When she finally got up and  followed her grandmother, I went back to my sobbing once more.  I just wasn't done letting it all out, and I was more than surprised when she came back and handed me a giant chocolate covered pretzel.  She smiled at me and told me things would get better and bounced away.  I stared at the pretzel in my hand and I felt at peace once more.  I had finished crying, and in good time too because my lunch hour was over.  I walked back to work slowly, letting all my thoughts rattle through my head as I tried to figure out what I was going to do. I walked through the sliding glass doors and tried to hide the fact that I had been crying, but failed miserably.  Will shot me a concerned look and I told him the story of what happened later that night as I waited for my ride.  

"I just need to get out of there, but I have no where to go" I said as I took a drag of my last cigarette. ( I had just bought the pack that morning )

Will sat quietly for a while looking at his shoes thinking I suppose before he spoke up again.  "You know, I could probably talk to Dustin and see if you can come stay with us?"

"really?" 

"Yeah, I don't think you should be in that place anymore."

"that would be amazing and really mean a lot to me.  I honestly don't know what I would do without you." and just as the sentence left my mouth, I noticed Lance pulling into the lot.

"Well let me know tomorrow" I asked before finally climbing into the car.

Getting started

I never got sick of working while I lived with Lance.  It was my escape, a chance for me to pretend that I wasn't falling apart inside.  I still hadn't cried about anything since the airport but I could feel it sitting in the pit of my stomach, twisting and knotting, waiting to break me down.  I was good at pretending everything was fine though, and could even laugh and joke with Teresa all day.  

Will was really quiet , I guess he was just really shy, but I had to start talking to him first.  I asked him all sorts of questions because I wanted to see what he was all about.  He was from Arkansas and had been talked into moving to Orlando by his roommate and best friend Dustin.  He was from some little town with nothing going on, and had gone to school at some christian university for a while before coming here.  I enjoyed talking about life and past adventures with him, and I found that he was a really sweet patient person.  He seemed to be the only one around there who sensed I wasn't as happy as I tried to come off as.

We really didn't have too much in common, other than having a broken past and both experimenting with drugs to help deal.  For some reason I found myself asking him lots of questions about God and the bible and what he thought about things.  God had always felt so far away to me, as if he were always busy with other things and didn't have time to worry about what was going on in my life.  However, I found myself thinking about him more and more.  I felt for some reason, that I had his attention and he had something to say. I just hadn't heard it yet.

Chamberlin's was such a weird place.  Everyday at least one or two people tried to convince me to go vegan, however I found their argument lacking as I looked at their petite pale frames.  Every single one of them looked as if a slight breeze could knock them over.  One woman who worked in the vitamin and supplements asked me one day if I chose to work at Chamberlins because I was a vegetarian like her. "Oh no" I said " Don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eating them too."  She just stared at me for a while as if I had just drop kicked a kitten. Needless to say, she didn't talk to me again for a while.  

The strange people were my favorite though, they made my day so much more interesting.  Lindsey was probably the strangest person and also a regular.  He was in his late sixties, extremely thin, wore thick glasses and had a humpback.  Everyday he would come in after the lunch rush and order the "harvest" with a shot of wheat grass.  However he would run off as quickly as possible because the sound of the juicer would cause him to cover his ears and rock back and forth, as if any second he were going to explode.  He usually paid with a ten dollar bill and afterward, would count the change out loud multiple times again while rocking.  He would usually talk about how bad his cataracts were getting or how frustrated he was with someone around him.  Sometimes he would ask me strange questions out of no where. On valentines day, he looked at the cupid stickers stuck to the sneeze guard of the salad bar and asked me, "What do you think it would be like if cupid had a crossbow??"  "hmm, I don't lindsey, I've never really thought about it, probably not so romantic huh? I said.  Lindsey was odd to say the least, but not someone I would soon forget.

There was one other regular I would never forget either.  His name was Paul, or "Paul the Juice guy".  Everyday he would come in and buy about four large glasses of vegetable juice. He was probably in his late fifties, tall, thin and seemed to be malnourished (He was a vegan, go figure).  He was always in good spirits with a big smile on his face and always had some encouraging words for anyone around.  He told me one day that he felt he was supposed to help me out, that he was supposed to take me under his wing and teach me about life.  After that, he came in everyday and would talk to me about different things to do or not do as I went through life.  The most important lesson he said, was to love everyone.  I did enjoy his conversation, but he often times got me into trouble because I wasn't on task while he was lecturing me.  However, somehow I never lost my job and I still found time to listen to what Paul the juice guy, had to say.

I closed most nights, and usually told Lance to pick me up an hour after I got off.

I tried my best to keep myself away from him as long as possible.  Even though it was usually late when we finished closing, and he still had a three mile bike ride ahead of him, Will would always talk and smoke cigarettes with me while I waited for my ride.  It was nice to finally feel like I had a real friend in Orlando.