Break Down

After being gone nearly two months, my mother decided to talk to me again.  She even mailed me a couple boxes with a few more outfits and thankfully, some more underwear.  I told her that I was in love with Lance and having the time of my life.  I was surprised at how easy it was to say now, though I felt so completely opposite.  I usually just talked about my job and the people there, it was a lot easier to talk about work because I actually did love my life there.

One day things at home with Lance went from bad to worse.  I think Lance must have been catching on to the strong desire I had growing in me to leave things there, that he started to panic.  Sometimes he would grab hold of my shoulders and look at me in the eyes and with such a pitiful voice say "Please don't leave me".  I would assure him I would do no such thing but I could tell in his eyes he didn't believe me, but I was never that great of a liar. He had even given me an iPod Nano he had found at work, perhaps as a sort of bribe. Then one night, while I was wasted as usual, he decided to try and get me pregnant.  

Perhaps it was because I was too drunk to really realize what  had happened , or I just tried to avoid it all together,  but it didn't really get through my head what Lance did until the next day.

I went to work that morning and as much as I tried, I could not stop thinking about what was about to happen to my life.  I wanted to just reach through my skin and pull out what he had put inside of me, but I knew that was impossible.  The first half of my day until lunch seemed to drag along, which wasn't normal for me.  Chamberlin's was my escape from everything, but this seemed to be something that wouldn't leave me alone.

When it was my lunch break I went out to the side and sat on one of the benches in the square.  I put on my new Ipod and tried to get lost in the music.  I chain smoked cigarettes in a attempt to loosen the tightness in my chest, but it only helped for the duration of the drag before consuming me once more.  I decided to walk around the square for a while and think.  The music seemed to fall around me like a shell of some sort and I felt myself separate from the world.  There was a line in the song I was listening to that went " I am finding now, that maybe I was wrong.  That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone."  I couldn't help but to just start crying, and I mean sobbing.  Everything I had been holding in for so long came bursting out and I didn't care.  I just turned the music up loud and let it out.  I walked around and people stared at me but I didn't care.  I felt God telling me to let go.. to stop controlling to ask for help and the feeling was overwhelming.  I sat down on another bench and watched people as I continued crying.  Most people would either pretend I wasn't there or look at me awkwardly as they walked by. Then a girl came and sat down next to me. I was almost angry at first, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, but to just sit there and feel sorry for myself.  She was about thirteen and appeared to be with her grandmother and little brother.  She put her arms around me and asked what was wrong.  " I told her that I had messed up my life, and I didn't know what to do."  She gave me a hug and told me that it would get better and that she was here for me. She talked to me some more for a while, some stories about people she had known that were hurting and what not, but I didn't really hear all of it.  However there was something about her presence I found comforting. When she finally got up and  followed her grandmother, I went back to my sobbing once more.  I just wasn't done letting it all out, and I was more than surprised when she came back and handed me a giant chocolate covered pretzel.  She smiled at me and told me things would get better and bounced away.  I stared at the pretzel in my hand and I felt at peace once more.  I had finished crying, and in good time too because my lunch hour was over.  I walked back to work slowly, letting all my thoughts rattle through my head as I tried to figure out what I was going to do. I walked through the sliding glass doors and tried to hide the fact that I had been crying, but failed miserably.  Will shot me a concerned look and I told him the story of what happened later that night as I waited for my ride.  

"I just need to get out of there, but I have no where to go" I said as I took a drag of my last cigarette. ( I had just bought the pack that morning )

Will sat quietly for a while looking at his shoes thinking I suppose before he spoke up again.  "You know, I could probably talk to Dustin and see if you can come stay with us?"

"really?" 

"Yeah, I don't think you should be in that place anymore."

"that would be amazing and really mean a lot to me.  I honestly don't know what I would do without you." and just as the sentence left my mouth, I noticed Lance pulling into the lot.

"Well let me know tomorrow" I asked before finally climbing into the car.