First Day

I had been staying with Lance and his family for a little over a month when I finally got a job.  It was located about 25-20 minutes from Lance's house in Winter Park.  I really liked Winter Park.  It was a lot fancier than the area I was staying and the strip I worked in was really pretty with water fountains and cute shops.  The place I got a job at was called Chamberlin's Natural Foods.  It was a health food store that was all the rage with the local vegetarians and vegans.  I was to work in the Deli/ cafe` section of the store. My manager's name was Lari and She was about 5 foot, plump and had short bright red hair.  She talked to you as if she was going to reach over and pinch your cheeks at any moment and tell you what a good little girl you were!  I was given 7.50 an hour and 40 hours a week.  Honestly I would have worked there if she had only started me at three dollars. 

I was so excited my first day of work that I got up three hours early just to get ready.  I felt like it was my first day of middle school again or something. Lance's mom drove me to work that day.  She was the scariest driver ever, and had the worst road rage.  Her hip problem made her driving very jerky and needless to say I was extremely thankful that we had arrived in one piece.  I said thanks and hoped out of the car. 

 First they just put me on the cash registers for a while so I could get a hang of it, and then they sent me back to the deli area.  It was just Lari, a Black women named Teresa and a guy named Will that day. Lari gave me the run down of things and then sent me to Teresa to train. "My name is Teresa, but you can call me Motha Teresa, because I will be actin like yo motha while you here."  She was about my height and a little thick, about in her early forties. "Not a lot of people like me here because Im bossy, but I know how to get things done so they just deal with it."  I liked Teresa's personality, she was bossy, but she always had something funny to say about everyone and I liked that.  Teresa couldn't stand Lari and they were always getting into it. I didn't blame her though.  Lari got on my nerves really quickly.  Whenever Lari would tell you to do something, she would say it in this high pitched voice as if you were two years old and had just learned how to talk,.  She was obsessed with working, and Teresa told me that she even came in on her days off because she had nothing else to do. I did feel kinda bad for her after that, I mean you must be real lonely to come hang out at the place you work on your days off. 

Will was 19, the same age as me and was from Arkansas.  He was tall and had a thick build.  His hair was long and black and he had little thin mustache that reminded me of Zorro. His cheeks were really red all the time as if he had just finished running or something, and Teresa gave him a hard time about it. "What's wrong with yo face Will?  Why you all red? You should go to the doctor or something, you ain't supposed to be that red." She would say over and over.  I felt bad for him, he seemed really shy and Im sure that he was probably very self conscious about it.

The day seemed to fly by.  It felt so great to be away from that house, and Lance and when I finally snapped back to the reality that I had to go back I got really depressed.  I told Teresa the story about how I had moved here to be with a guy I met on the internet and how much older he was than me. "Girl you must be outta your mind! Whatchu doin here like this? you only a baby!" she yelled.  I knew I couldn't explain myself, I knew it was dumb but I didn't want to tell her the truth, that I was miserable. "I bet your momma is losin her mind right now with you gone!" 

"I don't know, she won't even talk to me." I said. I told her about how my parents had disowned me basically and that I hadn't talked to them in over a month now. "Oh, they just hurtin' cuz their baby's gone and they don't know what to do." she said and I guessed she was probably right. When it was time to leave and Lance pulled up, it took everything I had to look happy to see him.

becoming comfortable

Most of my days were spent the same.  Lance would go to work and I would hang out with Neil and Carly all day until he got back.  The night usually went the same as well, and alcohol became my best friend.  On Lance's days off we would go job hunting for me.  Surprisingly I was really excited to find a job.  I was getting bored of sitting around all day long, trapped in that house. I hoped that I would maybe even find a job that worked late hours so that I could escape Lance's demands. It wasn't the easiest thing finding a job, especially since I didn't have a social security card with me, but I kept trying and hoping soon I would.  I thought that maybe if I had a job and could start saving money, I might be able to figure out a way to get out of this mess.

Days went by, and then the days turned into weeks.  I started to miss my family but my sister was the only one who would talk to me.  Sometimes my sister would call me crying about how much I hurt her leaving her there, or after she had tried numerous times to get my mother to speak to me, without success.  Despite what I was going through I couldn't get myself to tell my sister the truth about what was going on.  Not only did I think she was too young to know the whole truth, but I also felt she had seen enough already from when I lived at home.  She was always the one who would find me covered in blood in the corner of my room after coming down from one of my drug binges.  How many times had she seen me get into physical fights with my parents?  How many times had she seen me fuck up my life, and for some reason she never gave up on me?  What kind of sister was I to her, what kind of example had I led?  I couldn't tell her what I had done now.  I couldn't fail her again, so I lied.  I told her that I was having an amazing time.  I told her about how great a guy Lance was, and that I was beginning to think I loved him.  I told her that I was finding a job and then applying for one of the community colleges.  I could tell she believed me because she didn't sound so sad on the phone after a while and instead of crying, would fill me in on all the stuff that was going on back home.  My sister was so strong to me.  I hoped so bad that she would never turn out like me, ever.

I decided that if I could lie to my sister about how things were, maybe I could lie to myself as well.  I started telling myself that Lance was a good guy, and that I really was falling for him, so I started playing the part.  I held his hand and even kissed him back.  He would tell me he loved me and I would tell him I loved him too, hoping some how that maybe if i heard the words out loud, they would become real. However, sometimes when I said that I would start crying. I guess because it scared me. When this happened Lance would look at me all puzzled and ask what was wrong, so I would just tell him it was because I loved him so much, and he believed me.  After a while, Lance started introducing me to people as his fiance` even though I had no ring.  People would give strange looks when they heard but I would just go a long with it, thinking to myself, there is no way in hell I could spend the rest of my life with this man.

day after

I felt like shit the next morning, physically and emotionally.  Lance left for work around the time I woke up and his mom had already left for work as well.  Neil was home, but was sleeping still.  I was really glad to be alone, and made my way downstairs to raid the fridge.  After I ate I decided a shower would probably help me feel better. The shower upstairs was really gross.  There were hair shavings all over the floor and the toilet bowl didn't look like it had ever been clean.  The water in the shower was really hard and made my eyes blood shot, but the warm water felt so good.  I sat in the bottom of the tub and made the water as hot as I could stand.  I washed my body at least 5 times and still felt dirty. I pulled my legs toward my body and wished I could just become like the water, and pour down the drain.

When I was all done and dressed, I realized I had nothing to do.  Lance had told me not to go anywhere before he left and the house didn't have internet.  There was only one tv downstairs other than Neil's and it only picked up one channel.  By around 2 Carly came over to see Neil, so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to not go insane.  Neil's room was small and always smelled like smoke and dog.  The door was missing so instead he had a sheet duck taped at the top.  Although I am extremely shy, I toughened up and knocked on the door frame.  They were really friendly and let me come in with them.  I had a feeling they wouldn't be doing anything other than sitting there.  I told them about how bored I was and they offered me some weed.  It felt sooooo good.  I took the biggest hit I could manage to fit in my asthmatic lungs and  held it in until I thought I might pass out.  Pretty soon I was completely relaxed and really really thirsty.  I had quit smoking cigarettes about a month previous but decided once I saw a pack sitting there, that it was exactly what I needed.  I was so content hanging out with them in there, watching family guy on Neil's computer and chain smoking cigarettes.  I was enjoying myself so much that I had almost forgot why I was there, or how I had gotten there.  I didn't even think about it until I saw Lance walk into the room. I wished I could crawl into the crack of the sofa.  He came over and kissed me.  It was wet as usual. He told me to come with him, because we were going to go pick up some beer.  We went across the street to the local Albertson's and bought 12 red stripes then made our way back to the house.  Thankfully we drank them with Carly and Neil. I drank as many as I could because I could tell by the way Lance was touching my leg that he probably had the same plans as the night before. I would come to find out that alcohol was my new favorite medicine.  

After Lance had taken back to the room, had his way and passed out, I turned over again and stared at the wall.  I thought about God.  Lance didn't believe in God and it made me think about it now. I had decided a while ago that God was real, but just didn't really have time for me.  I didn't really blame him, I had been told no one would love me for years since I was a little girl and always figured that that went for God too.  Despite what I thought about the way God felt about me, I closed my eyes and prayed.  I begged him to help me get out of this mess somehow.

The change

I was glad it took Lance a while to get back, I needed the time to think and let go.  I didn't want to have to talk about it with him.  When I got to the car he had that huge stupid grin on his face and he started in right away about how happy he was that I decided to stay and that I was doing the right thing.

We got back to his moms house and everyone seemed to look really surprised when they found out what I did. "Man you sure have some balls" Neil said. "yeah I could never do something like that" Carly chimed in.  I just kinda shrugged my shoulders and went upstairs. Lance walked in a little while after me."I have to go back to work tomorrow, and you are going to have to find a job so you can pay my mom for the food and rent. Then we should see about getting someone to drive your car down here."he said very flatly.  "ummm.. okay" I said, shocked at the abruptness of his demands. The he said, "However, tonight we are going to go out and party."  We went downstairs and ate some spaghetti and then left for the bars.  I was happy to see the strip, i was glad that I would have something to help get my mind off of all the drama that had been going on. First we went to a bar that looked like a cabin.  There weren't that many people inside but he said it was a good bar.  We sat down and a strange man walked up to us.  He was about 5'4" with long blonde hair in a pony tail, with the bottom half of his head shaved, and he had a bunch of beers in his hand.  "Who wants to shot gun!!!" He yelled, making a face like some professional wrestler getting ready to attack.  Of course I volunteered, free beer!  I went outside with him and two other guys and on the mark we stabbed our beers and chugged. Surprisingly I actually won the first round, but came in third the second.  Since I was never a big drinker, those two beers were enough to give me a pretty good buzz.  We walked down the strip to another place called Back booth.  It was bigger than the first place and had much more people in it, with a big screen showing music videos to what was playing.  There was a stage but no one playing. Lance showed me around to some of his friends and bought me drinks.  By the time we left I was more than wasted to say the least. 

All I remember about the drive home was loud music and lots of wind.  When we got to the house Lance took me upstairs and threw me on the bed.  Then he started taking off my clothes and kissing me heavily again.  They were so wet and gross, but I was drunk and didn't know what to do.  Everything was spinning like crazy and It was as if I didn't even have time to think about what was happening.  Before I knew it I was naked and things were going to a whole other level.  My heart was beating fast and I felt I was going to pass out so I just laid there and let it happen, I didn't know what else to do.  I tried to imagine he was someone else, or that I was the one who wanted this, but it didn't really help.  Despite the fact that the world was spinning, I could still make out his facial expression as he took complete advantage of me. His eyes were so dark and empty, and the way he looked at me made my skin crawl.  I waited for it to be over, but it seemed like hours.  After he finished he turned over and passed out and I laid there staring at the wall.  I was in shock.  It was like too much had happened in one day that I couldn't take it all in.  I couldn't believe how different he had become in just a day.  I felt like a fool.  I pulled myself as close to the wall as possible and shut my eyes tight.  Then one last thought went through my head before I finally fell asleep.  You really are all alone.

The Four days

The next morning I woke up and officially met his family.  His mom was downstairs.  She looked like she was in her late sixties with white white hair that was pulled back in a bun.  She talked really fast and anytime you said something she would say "Mhm Mhm Mhm Mhm" over and over while she listened.  There was something wrong with her hip that caused her to have to rock her body back and forth with each step, as if her ankles were bonded together.  She seemed very confused about her spiritual beliefs, as if she took bits and pieces from each one.  Every now and then she would burn some sort of incense bag around the house.  Lance said it was something Indians used to do.

Lances dad had died about 6 years ago from being an alcoholic.  Lance didn't really tell me a whole lot about him, and if he did it made him sad, so I never really asked.  Neil was his younger brother, twenty four at the time.  He was dating a girl named Carly who was the same age as me.  Neil was really smart and didn't look quite as puerto rican as Lance.  Although Neil was obviously intelligent, he was extremely lazy.  In fact, all him and Carly did most of the time was smoke weed and watch tv or play video games.  They were both a little over weight and ate most of the food in the house, but I liked their laid back personalities and found out later that I really enjoyed their company.

After the introductions, we left and went to all the different malls.  Im usually not a big shopper but it was fun to see what the malls were like there.  There was a store that sold nothing but M&M's in every color, and another that had a wave pool in the store.  There were also a lot of skate parks inside the malls, which I thought was interesting. Then we went and got some food.  Lance wasn't really that bad of a guy but it was strange talking to him.  Even though he was so much older than me, sometimes I felt as if i were talking to a child or something.  Lets just say he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. 

The next few days were kinda the same, and to be honest I had a pretty good time.  We just went around to all the different places in Orlando.  He bought me a necklace and some new lip rings and always paid for whatever we ate.  It really seemed like he wasn't that bad of a guy after all.

The four days actually went by quickly and by the time I was supposed to leave, I didn't want to go.  Yeah the set up sucked, and Im positive I was not as into Lance as he was into me, but it still seemed so much better than my situation at home.  We drove to the airport and I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't supposed to go back.  Maybe it was just me wanting to run away from my troubles, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to stay there.  I was late for my flight, but it was okay because everything was delayed.  I found out later that my connecting flight was going to be delayed a whole day so wherever i went, I was going to be stuck a whole 24 hours due to snow.  I thought about it for a while, but as they called my section to start seating the flight, I couldn't help but just sit there and watch.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my mind was spinning out of control.  I must have looked panicked, because a woman next to me asked if I was alright and I just stared at her for a second and finally replied "Oh yes, Im wonderful" and walked off.  

My heart was still going crazy as I called my parents to tell them I wasn't coming home.  My mom answered first.  I told her the situation with the flights and then told her that I had decided to stay for a while, and I wasn't sure when I would be back.  At first she thought I was joking and laughed  and then it was just silent for a moment. "Chelsea, are you out of your fucking mind??" She yelled, breaking the silence. "maybe" I said " but I've been thinking about it, and its what Im going to do. Im sorry"  She started yelling about how dumb I was and that she couldn't believe I would do something like this to them.  Then she put my father on the phone. "What the fuck is going on??" He yelled into the receiver. "Have I completely failed you as a parent or what??"   I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything and just waited for him to start again.  "You better catch another flight home or you can just say goodbye to being a part of this family, we won't have anything to do with you if you go through with this."  His voice was very cold and angry.  It hurt bad to hear him say those things but I had made up my mind.  I just couldn't go back there. I couldn't.  I told him that I was sorry and that I loved them and hung up the phone.  Then I called my friend Vicki.  I tried to explain what had happened and it really hurt to hear how sad she was that I was doing this.  I begged her to pack up my stuff so that my parents wouldn't take it, because I was afraid they would sell it or keep it from me, and I was hoping to have her send me my stuff in the mail later.  After a lot of pleading, she finally agreed and it made me sad because I realized how great a friend she was, and that I was really going to miss her.  

I finally called Lance to pick me up and sat one the benches in the airport while I waited.  Then out of no where it seemed I just started sobbing.  I didn't really care that much that people were looking, and even if I did care, I doubt there was anything I could do to stop.  I was really scared all the sudden.  If something happened, I had no where to go.  My parents had basically disowned me, and I didn't know anyone around here to go to if I needed them. I was completely alone, and I had no idea what I was doing. 

Air Port/ the first night.

I found a ride to the airport and took off a little after 6 a.m.  The plane ride felt long because of how nervous I was.  I was about to meet a man eleven years older than me in another state, whom I had never met before.  If someone else had told me they were doing this alone, I would have thought they had a death wish, but Maybe I did.

The plane landed and I walked down the terminal, going as slow as possible.  Part of me wanted to turn around, but I kept walking.  I called Lance, not recognizing any of the faces as the ones I thought I knew in the pictures.  He directed me to an area outside of one of the gifts shops. Though I still didn't recognize the faces, I noted one which must have been him, seeing that he was on a phone and waving in my general direction.  As I got closer and closer and his image was made clearer and clearer, I felt my insides collapse in.  He didn't look hardly anything like the pictures.  They were either from when he was much younger, or were edited on photoshop, because I honestly would have never picked him out to be this person I thought i knew.  I knew he was half puerto rican, but up close he looked 100%.  His eyes were squinty when he smiled and his nose was large and flat.  His teeth had obviously never worn braces and the wrinkles on his face aged him accordingly.  Despite his age, he wore clothes punk guys my age would be wearing.  A grunge T-shirt, tight black pants, loafers and a trucker hat. He had his fathers name tattooed on his neck and a sleeve down his right arm.  He was also a couple inches shorter than me and had what appeared to be a small beer belly.  Needless to say, he was not what I had expected at all.  However, my pride was too big to even admit to myself I was disappointed, so I sucked it up and pretended like I was excited to see him.

We made the awkward walk to his car holding hands.  He never stopped smiling the whole time and it made me squirm inside.  We finally reached his car, which I later found out was actually his mothers car, because he didn't own his own car, then we made the 30 minute drive to his house.  He lived in a rough part of Orlando.  Not the worst, but if you drove past his house a few miles you would see prostitutes walking the streets to give you an idea.  His house was actually a three bedroom, two bath condo.  He lived with His brother and mother (which was also news to me)   The inside had poor lighting and was hardly decorated. The furniture looked at least 20 years old and the carpets were...... disgusting to say the least.  I Later found out that they didn't own a vacuum and hadn't vacuumed their house since they bought it, six years ago.  His brother owned a dog, which made this fact a lot worse.  There were a few spots on the carpet that were dark and nasty and I was too scared to ask what had happened there and I assumed I didn't want to know anyways.

His bedroom was a little cleaner.  At least he wasn't a slob.  It was slightly decorated with Christmas lights and a japanese flag strung across the back wall. It had a huge window on the far side of the wall and the room was big enough to fit a full size bed, futon, coffee table, computer desk and tv comfortably.  I sat my stuff down and sat on the bed.  He came over with a creepy look on his face and started kissing me heavily all over. I kissed him back a little and then pushed him off suggesting that he show me around Orlando.  He stepped back and looked at me a moment then agreed.  We started driving around and I liked that it felt like early summer despite it being late January. The scenery was much nicer when we left his neighborhood.  He showed me all the local skate shops and the many malls.  When it got later we went downtown and walked the strip where he showed me his favorite bars.  I was only 19 but found that not too many people think to card you when you are with a thirty year old.  I really liked Orlando.  It was fun and exciting to me.  I liked the buildings and the bars and clubs.  There were so many neat people and so much more going on than in Indiana.  When we got home I was exhausted.  I felt uncomfortable with the fact that he assumed we were sharing the same bed and tried to pretend I was asleep before he got in.  Perhaps he let me sleep because it was the first night, who knows but i was relieved to hear his snores before I finally fell asleep for real.

The House

"Cheeelllllseeeaaa, it's time!!" Josh yelled through my door. Like usual Josh was at my door ready to wake and bake before going to work. With a grown I got up and opened the door, I never passed up such an invitation. Josh was one of my roommates. There were four of us, Josh, Bone (the landlord), Brad and Me. Our house was pretty big but nasty. The people who lived in it before had destroyed it. It seemed that no matter what we did, we could never get rid of the smell of cigarettes and dog piss. My room was upstairs in the very back. It was the only room other than the master that had its own bathroom. It was a cute little bathroom and I had painted it a really pretty bluish purple color, which gave it a victorian feel I thought. I liked my room minus one thing... the ants. Huge black creatures that came out of EVERYTHING it seemed. I couldn't even run the water out of the tub without thousands, and I mean thousands, shooting out of the spout and all over the place. It was sick. I bought ant traps but it didn't do much. What made things worse, was that I slept on a futon mattress right on the floor. Every night before I went to bed I would stomp on as many as I could and then try to fall asleep before more showed up. It would gross me out how the bodies would always be missing when I woke up the next morning. I can't imagine how many must have crawled all over me while I slept.

Josh came in and sat down next to me on my mattress. We loaded up my bong and joked about our shitty house as we took long deep drags. Josh was my favorite roommate. He was always happy and fun and was the only one in the house that smoked weed besides me. Everyday after we both got off work we would go in his room and smoke as much as we could listening to the best music you could imagine. Then he would play drums or we would go downstairs and beat everyone at guitar hero. Bone was the landlord and also my ex. We were kinda dating before I moved in, while we were fixing the house up. However, things didn't work out later but I moved in anyways. It was always a little awkward to be around him, not only because we once dated, but also because he was against drinking and smoking and I did it all. He had converted the downstairs living room and dining room into a recording studio. Because of this, there were ALWAYS a thousand people over. Even though I paid 450 a month, it felt more like I lived in a homeless shelter. Brad had the bedroom downstairs and was also the one who held the guitar hero tournaments. Him and his brother David played waaay too much, and were insanely good because of it. Brad loved to drink. He would always have some girl over and they would drink vodka out of a little girls tea set. Brad never drank beer. No, Brads drink of choice was a cosmopolitan. He drank a whole bottle almost every night in fact.

Everyday was busy. I worked at the fresh market and Noodles and company and also was a full time student at Ivy tech down town. Even though I worked all the time, I only made enough money to pay my rent, gas and maybe a little weed. I went to my parents house at least once a week to raid the fridge and take as many cans of soup and ramen noodles as I could get away with. If it wasn't for them I would probably have starved.

Despite my good times with Josh and my other friends. My life at the house was getting old. I was overworked and underpaid and I was really starting to feel ripped off my Bone. I knew that my ant infested room was not worth $450 a month. especially since I couldn't even use my own shower. I met a guy on myspace one day named Lance. He just messaged me out of no where, and after taking a look at his pictures, I decided he looked cute enough to talk to. We started talking for a while online, and then on the phone. I really wanted to meet him but he lived in Florida. There was one other problem. He was 30. Eleven years older than me at the time, but I decided that he looked really young for his age from his pictures so it didn't bother me much. Rent was due in a couple weeks but I decided to take the money I had, and spend it on a four day trip to Orlando. Josh was really sad when I told him I was leaving. Even though I said it was only going to be four days, he seemed to think I wasn't coming back. I told him I would miss him the most, and I meant it. The day I left, everyone had gone to work and it was one of the few times no one else was around but me. I packed a single carry on bag and grabbed my laptop. As I locked my door, I looked down and saw a few ants running out through the crack. "I can't wait to get out of this dump" I said to myself as I turned around, unaware of all that lay ahead of me.

Introduction

Just so everyone knows.  This is NOT my story.. its only a part of my story.  I might have mentioned before that it was but its not.  Some say its my testimony, but even that might be a stretch. 

 To tell my story would be to start at the beginning, and frankly, Im not sure Im ready to go there yet.  I want to write about Florida because it was a major event in my life that has changed me the most I think.  I went there as one person and came back a totally different one.  I want to write it down because I feel like people need to know.  I feel like I need to write it down so that I never forget exactly how I felt, how people looked, how life seemed.  Im not worried about forgetting the part of my story im leaving out, because know that even if I wanted to, I could never forget.

There are many things about this time I am not proud of.  Perhaps if I did decide to start at the VERY beginning  you would understand how I got that way, but for now I will just save that for another time. So here it goes.  Im not sure I will stick to it.  That I will ever finish it.  But heres my attempt. 

re·demp·tion   [ri-demp-shuhn]---The act or action of being saved from sin, error, or evil