becoming comfortable

Most of my days were spent the same.  Lance would go to work and I would hang out with Neil and Carly all day until he got back.  The night usually went the same as well, and alcohol became my best friend.  On Lance's days off we would go job hunting for me.  Surprisingly I was really excited to find a job.  I was getting bored of sitting around all day long, trapped in that house. I hoped that I would maybe even find a job that worked late hours so that I could escape Lance's demands. It wasn't the easiest thing finding a job, especially since I didn't have a social security card with me, but I kept trying and hoping soon I would.  I thought that maybe if I had a job and could start saving money, I might be able to figure out a way to get out of this mess.

Days went by, and then the days turned into weeks.  I started to miss my family but my sister was the only one who would talk to me.  Sometimes my sister would call me crying about how much I hurt her leaving her there, or after she had tried numerous times to get my mother to speak to me, without success.  Despite what I was going through I couldn't get myself to tell my sister the truth about what was going on.  Not only did I think she was too young to know the whole truth, but I also felt she had seen enough already from when I lived at home.  She was always the one who would find me covered in blood in the corner of my room after coming down from one of my drug binges.  How many times had she seen me get into physical fights with my parents?  How many times had she seen me fuck up my life, and for some reason she never gave up on me?  What kind of sister was I to her, what kind of example had I led?  I couldn't tell her what I had done now.  I couldn't fail her again, so I lied.  I told her that I was having an amazing time.  I told her about how great a guy Lance was, and that I was beginning to think I loved him.  I told her that I was finding a job and then applying for one of the community colleges.  I could tell she believed me because she didn't sound so sad on the phone after a while and instead of crying, would fill me in on all the stuff that was going on back home.  My sister was so strong to me.  I hoped so bad that she would never turn out like me, ever.

I decided that if I could lie to my sister about how things were, maybe I could lie to myself as well.  I started telling myself that Lance was a good guy, and that I really was falling for him, so I started playing the part.  I held his hand and even kissed him back.  He would tell me he loved me and I would tell him I loved him too, hoping some how that maybe if i heard the words out loud, they would become real. However, sometimes when I said that I would start crying. I guess because it scared me. When this happened Lance would look at me all puzzled and ask what was wrong, so I would just tell him it was because I loved him so much, and he believed me.  After a while, Lance started introducing me to people as his fiance` even though I had no ring.  People would give strange looks when they heard but I would just go a long with it, thinking to myself, there is no way in hell I could spend the rest of my life with this man.