day after

I felt like shit the next morning, physically and emotionally.  Lance left for work around the time I woke up and his mom had already left for work as well.  Neil was home, but was sleeping still.  I was really glad to be alone, and made my way downstairs to raid the fridge.  After I ate I decided a shower would probably help me feel better. The shower upstairs was really gross.  There were hair shavings all over the floor and the toilet bowl didn't look like it had ever been clean.  The water in the shower was really hard and made my eyes blood shot, but the warm water felt so good.  I sat in the bottom of the tub and made the water as hot as I could stand.  I washed my body at least 5 times and still felt dirty. I pulled my legs toward my body and wished I could just become like the water, and pour down the drain.

When I was all done and dressed, I realized I had nothing to do.  Lance had told me not to go anywhere before he left and the house didn't have internet.  There was only one tv downstairs other than Neil's and it only picked up one channel.  By around 2 Carly came over to see Neil, so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to not go insane.  Neil's room was small and always smelled like smoke and dog.  The door was missing so instead he had a sheet duck taped at the top.  Although I am extremely shy, I toughened up and knocked on the door frame.  They were really friendly and let me come in with them.  I had a feeling they wouldn't be doing anything other than sitting there.  I told them about how bored I was and they offered me some weed.  It felt sooooo good.  I took the biggest hit I could manage to fit in my asthmatic lungs and  held it in until I thought I might pass out.  Pretty soon I was completely relaxed and really really thirsty.  I had quit smoking cigarettes about a month previous but decided once I saw a pack sitting there, that it was exactly what I needed.  I was so content hanging out with them in there, watching family guy on Neil's computer and chain smoking cigarettes.  I was enjoying myself so much that I had almost forgot why I was there, or how I had gotten there.  I didn't even think about it until I saw Lance walk into the room. I wished I could crawl into the crack of the sofa.  He came over and kissed me.  It was wet as usual. He told me to come with him, because we were going to go pick up some beer.  We went across the street to the local Albertson's and bought 12 red stripes then made our way back to the house.  Thankfully we drank them with Carly and Neil. I drank as many as I could because I could tell by the way Lance was touching my leg that he probably had the same plans as the night before. I would come to find out that alcohol was my new favorite medicine.  

After Lance had taken back to the room, had his way and passed out, I turned over again and stared at the wall.  I thought about God.  Lance didn't believe in God and it made me think about it now. I had decided a while ago that God was real, but just didn't really have time for me.  I didn't really blame him, I had been told no one would love me for years since I was a little girl and always figured that that went for God too.  Despite what I thought about the way God felt about me, I closed my eyes and prayed.  I begged him to help me get out of this mess somehow.