hungry

The next morning Will was the one who woke me up. That morning we both had to work at nine. It was seven o' clock when Will woke me up.

I never was much of a morning person in the first place, and this morning wasn't any different. It was so warm and cozy in my sleeping bag, which made getting up even worse.

"Hey before we leave, we have to make Dustin coffee and bring him a packed bowl of weed or else it will be ugly." Will said as I rubbed my eyes.

"really?? He gets mad if you don't??" my mouth was sticky with thirst.

"Mad is an understatement."

It seemed ridiculous to me that we were expected to act like Dustin's slaves or something even though we all paid the same amount for rent. However, I had seen a glimpse of Dustin's angry side the night before, and decided to just go along with it. Will tried to talk Dustin into driving us to work so we didn't have to walk, but he refused. He didn't feel like leaving the house yet, so we were on our own.

I quickly tied my hair into braids, got dressed and grabbed my cigarettes before we made our way out the door. I enjoyed the walk at first. The sun was still low to the ground and it was really cool and breezy. Plus I enjoyed talking to Will, telling each other stories of our past as we walked the three mile trip to work.

By the time we got there, I was both starving and dying of thirst. I couldn't really get away with eating food at work, but I could make all the protein shakes I wanted, so thats what I did. I loved experimenting with them as well, mixing different flavors, combining them with loads of protein powder and every other health powder we had around.

Perhaps the one meal a day and protein shakes would have been enough if I wasn't walking six miles a day, but it just wasn't cutting it. I was already skinny before, but after a few weeks of hardly eating and walking constantly, I noticed myself start to disappear. My ribs were bulging out even more, and when I laid down flat my stomach curved in between my hips making anyone laying next to me able to see down my pants. However my legs were bigger than before, I assumed from the protein shakes and walking. For weeks I lived like this. Occasionally I would take an adderall just for the fact that it would make it easier to deal with the hunger pains.

Eventually the hunger got too much to bare, that I resorted to something I hadn't done for nearly two years.

Steal.

It started out with little things, maybe a sandwich I wrapped in my apron as I left or a bag of chips while my manager was on break. However I realized I needed food for at home too so I came up with the perfect system of getting the things I needed.

Every night I had to close, I would store "to go" containers of food from the deli in one of the mini fridges. After Lari left, I would put the food into plastic bags and then sneak out to the patio area and hide the food in the bushes, that way I could just sneak up to the side of the building on our walk home and take it with me.

It was great for a little while. I had food to each through out the day, more energy, but it turned out to be short lived.

Dustin started asking questions about the mysterious food in the fridge. I will not forget the crooked smile on his face when I told him it was stolen. I could see the thoughts coming up in his mind as he realized another way to take advantage of me. From that point on, any food I stole was for him as well, and sometimes it was our dinner and suddenly he was no longer expected to buy something for everyone, even though he collected money for groceries. He would still make meals at times, but usually only when he got tired of the deli foods. Dustin was usually given first pick of the food which left my meals usually consisting of corn tortillas from the mexican grocery, peanut butter, and occasionally granola.

I started working enough hours that I had a little extra money for food, but instead I decided to spend it on weed and booze from Dustin, knowing that it would probably get taken anyways.

One day when I was home alone I decided to look in Dustin's closet for some reason. My stomach dropped when I saw the mass amount of guns and ammunition he had packed in there. I realized maybe that was why Will never stood up for himself. When he got home that night I asked him "why are you even friends with Dustin?"

"Well we've been friends for years now, I guess you just get used to him". he said flatly.

I never got used to him.

Surprise!

Since we had such a late night, and I didn't have to work, I was hoping to sleep in a few hours.  However I was woken up around nine O'clock by Dustin.  Will was already sitting across from me looking as tired as I was and Dustin was walking around quickly apparently trying to clean the house up a bit.

"My mom, Grandma and little brother are going to be here any second." Dustin told me.

"Don't they live in Arkansas?" I said

"yeah, but they just happen to be in town today and wanted to stop by.  I just thought I would warn you."

I looked over at Will who smiled and shook his head. "They are REALLY spiritual people. Dustin's mom has a way of looking at you in the eyes and making you feel like the biggest lump of shit in the world." he said

Almost right after the words left his mouth I saw them coming up the driveway and around to the stairs.  I hadn't even looked at myself in the mirror, but I could already tell i looked like shit.  Not to mention the fact that I hadn't brushed my teeth yet, or even the night before.

They walked into the house without knocking, holding a few bright yellow pots and pans for Dustin.  Dustin came out and they covered him with hugs and kisses before taking a look at Will or I.  They had known Will already since Dustin and him had been friends for like a billion years, so Dustin introduced them to me.  They seemed to keep a safe distance as they said hello, which I was perfectly fine with. They looked at me as if I were some nasty hooker they picked off the street, and I quickly discovered what Will had been talking about.

After starring at me for a few seconds, as if trying to figure me out, they started chitchatting with the boys about how they'd been.  Will had been struggling with some sort of flu or something for about two weeks he claimed, and told them he was going to try and find a cheap doctor to go to sometime soon.

"Oh Will, you don't need a doctor." Dustin's mom said " Have you been praying about your sickness and asking the Lord to heal you??"

"yes, but Im still sick so I think I'm going to go to the doctor."

"Well, Obviously your faith is weak.  Otherwise you would be healed by now."

After saying that they both came over to where he was seating and started saying a prayer to strengthen Will's faith and to heal him of his sickness.  I was waiting for him to start convulsing and fall to the floor like on T.V. but nothing happened.

After they were finished, almost immediately his grandmother turned to me and asked "Have you been saved????"

"yes, a long time ago." I said quickly, afraid they were going to come over and pray for me too.  His grandmother just looked at me very serious, I suppose trying to figure out if I were lying or not and then turned away again.

Thankfully they weren't there very long and left after chit chatting a little bit more with Dustin and Will.  As soon as he saw their car pull off down the road, Dustin ran into his room and grabbed his pot and pipe and suggested I get my own out as well because he didn't feel like sharing unless I was throwing in.  I did as he said because after what had just happened, I really needed a smoke.  I hadn't been that uncomfortable in a very very long time.

I finished smoking and after finally seeing myself in the mirror, decided to take a shower.  The shower wasn't bad but there was no shampoo, only some sort of japanese body soap which I applied heavily from head to toe. The other down side was that I didn't have a towel, so I tried to air dry as much as possible and then used my sweatshirt for the rest.  It wasn't fun but it worked and I felt a whole lot better when I got out.

A little while after I got out of the shower Dustin had to leave for work.  He worked as a valet which apparently paid pretty well in the winter park area.  It was about 4 by that time and I was starving but there was absolutely no food to speak of.  Supposably my included "one meal a day" was dinner only, and would be whatever Dustin decided to cook. No questions asked.  Will was hungry too but I guess had gotten used to not eating.  He told me he had lost about 20 pounds since moving to florida from all bike riding and lack of food.  Will and I spent the day playing guitar hero and chain smoking cigarettes.  I tried my best to avoid smoking any weed because it didn't help with my hunger situation.

Dustin got home around 10 carrying some groceries from the chinese mart down the block.  I followed him into the kitchen to see what he was making and was really surprised at what I saw.  He pulled out a large pink cube that kind of resembled tofu that was wrapped in banana leaves.  Dustin informed me that it was pork, though I had NEVER seen pork like this before in my life.  Dustin wasn't a bad cook but the food was definitely different from what I was used to.  We had a little bit of rice, pork cubes with soy sauce and a couple of pieces of chinese bread.  The bread was the best.  It was extremely soft and sugary and practically melted in your mouth. I probably could have eaten thirty of them.  The food was strange but I was so thankful to finally be eating that I didn't care.  When we finished eating, Dustin's personality seemed to change a bit.  Suddenly he was really mad at Will and I for not cleaning up the apartment while he was gone.  He screamed at us a for a little while, ignoring our apologies, before going into his room, slamming the door behind him.  Will and I just kinda sat there. "He does this shit all the time" Will said "Just give him a few minutes to smoke some weed and he will be fine."

Sure enough a few minutes later his door opened and a big cloud of smoke rolled out into the living room.  Dustin was smiling again and walked in as if nothing had happened, and immediately started playing video games without saying a word.

I curled up in my sleeping bag and watched Dustin snipe Germans before I finally found myself drifting to sleep.  My experience with Dustin and Will had been very strange to say the least, but I was so thankful to finally be away from Lance. God had saved me and I had no idea why.

The new place

I couldn't stop smiling that day at work.  I was so happy that things seemed to be turning around.  I felt this great weight lift from my chest now that I was free of Lance.  I was still a little afraid that he might come in to work and find out my lie.  I would have to start walking home with Will after work so what if he saw us together?  I pushed the thought away and tried to imagine what my new place was going to look like.  It wouldn't be that hard to top off the place I had been staying, thats for sure.

Will tried to go over a few things with me during the day. He explained that Dustin had a car, but also worked so wouldn't be able to drive us most likely.  There was only one bike, but Will said that if we worked the same day he would go ahead and walk with me, otherwise we could just share the bike.  Normally we would be expected to walk home that night, but since I was a new resident, Dustin was going to come pick us up.  Will also warned me about Dustin.  "Dustin is a little hard to understand I think"

"what do you mean?"

"well it's just that he can be a little crazy and controlling.  He's not a bad guy or anything, he's just a little different than most people."

"oh" I said  "thats okay, I think I can handle it.."

"and one other thing.  Girls are always really attracted to Dustin and he knows it.  He's really good at getting what he wants, so just be careful.  Promise you won't do anything??"

"I promise.  I doubt it will be a problem."

Dustin showed up a little before we were completely finished cleaning and I found myself a little shy all of the sudden when I saw him walk in.  Will was right, he was a pretty attractive guy.  He was tall but had a muscular build, long brown hair and a really nice smile.  He didn't really seem like he was that weird, other than the fact that he talked like a surfer dude.  He explained to me again what Will had told me about the house.  That I would sleep on the couch, get one meal a day for 350.00 dollars a month and it was going to be due as soon as I got my pay check.  I agreed again and we packed all my stuff in his beat up truck.  Dustin drove some really old black truck with a stick shift.  The speaker on the left side would go out a lot which would cause him to get angry and hit it until it came back on.  I couldn't tell if it was just because we were in a truck, or if Dustin was just a crazy driver, but I was thankful for the single strap that kept me secured to the seat.

The ride wasn't very long in the car, thank goodness.  We stepped out onto the street to what seemed to be a cute little house that had been divided into apartments.  It was divided into three parts.  On the bottom lived a really fat lesbian with a bunch of dogs and next to her was some mysterious man who's apartment consisted of a single room from what I could tell.  We were located at the top of the building.  When I first walked in, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was really small, but cute.  It consisted of two bedrooms, a living room, bathroom, kitchen and some sort of porch looking area in the front.  You walked into the sun porch first and to the left was a living room.  It was decorated with three really old looking sofa's and only two of them matched.  There were a couple tables, a TV.a lamp,  and a book shelf that was decorated with a few strange books about martial arts, some strange carvings, an army helmet and a bunch of knives.  The bathroom was small and instead of a shower curtain, Dustin had strung a camouflage rain jacket over the rail, which seemed to work alright.  The kitchen was small as well, but it had all you needed, however, their silverware was very limited, consisting of two forks, three pairs of chop sticks and three asian soup spoons.  The bedrooms were the best part.  They were located on each side of the book shelf.  Each room wasn't that big, but big enough it seemed, and there were more windows than walls.  I loved it because when you would lay down on the bed the palm trees  outside made you feel as if you were in the tops of some tropical forest, and It was very peaceful.  Unfortunately I would be staying in the living room that only had one small window, which looked out to the house next door.

After Dustin gave the tour of the house he asked me If i smoked weed, which I answered yes by showing him the stash I had gotten from neil and carly before leaving.  Dustin smiled and then ran to his room, returning with a bong and some sort of strange pot he kept his weed in.  We all sat down and took turns hitting the bong and I felt myself relax.  Dustin gave me a blue sleeping bag to use since I didn't have any blankets and we all finally went to bed just as the sun was starting to come up.  Thankfully neither Will nor I had to work the next day.

Freedom

That night i didn't even bother pretending I was interested in Lance like I usually did and I could tell Lance was catching on. On the drive home I stared out the window in silence, thinking about how I was going to do it, how I was going to leave without Lance stopping me. I didn't really think he would lock me up or anything, but I just really didn't know how he would react. One thing I decided was that I couldn't wait another day. I couldn't wait to find out yes or no from Will.. I was going to chance it and just pack my stuff up and go to work.

That night went a little different than usual. Lance was distant, as if lost in his thoughts and didn't look happy. I told him I was on my period so that he wouldn't try to do anything with me that night and it worked. I sat in bed next to him and waited for him to pass out before I got up and started packing my things. My plan was to pack up my stuff and just start walking to the bus stop and go to work, but first I was going to stop at CVS and get an emergency contraceptive, there was no way I was having his baby. I had just finished and was zipping up my bag when Lance woke up. He looked at me almost with what looked like fear, and sat up quickly. "What are you doing??"

"Im leaving you Lance, I can't do it anymore."

"What do you mean? I thought you were happy, I have given you a place to stay and eat and now you are leaving me?? Why??"

Because I HATE you. Because you have ruined my life. Because you are old and balding and thinking about what you do to me every night makes me want to hurl. Because no matter how many times I wash my body I can never rid myself of the filth you have driven into me. I screamed these thoughts in my head and I wanted so bad to say them to him, but instead I lied again.

"because I miss my family and I just need to go back home. There's no way you can stop me so don't try, I will die trying."

He was silent for a moment staring at me before he finally spoke again. " Fine. Just at least wait until tomorrow please, its not safe for you to walk out here at night"

I wondered if this was a trick and then decided that i actually believed him and agreed. I was starting to get tired anyways. Plus i had been to busy worrying about Lance that I didn't even think about the people lurking out on those streets at night. I climbed back into bed and waited for Lance to sleep, but instead of hearing snores, I heard him crying. It was strange and I ALMOST felt bad, but I knew he was going to let me go and I couldn't have been happier.

The next morning Lance seemed angry. He stomped around his room and his face was empty and cold. He told me Carly would drive me to work and then he sat me down and looked me in the eyes really close. "just promise me you aren't leaving me for some other guy." His grip was tight now.

"I promise. Im going to stay with Teresa from work until I can get a ticket."

"I hope you aren't lying to me." his words gave me chills because I was lying and had no idea what he would do if he found out.

I got my stuff together and Carly dropped me off at work, she seemed sad I was leaving but I think she also understood. I gave her a hug and lugged my things into work. Everyone there looked at me strange when I came in. It looked as if I planned on moving in! I tucked my things under a cabinet and explained to Teresa and Lari what I was doing. Then remembering the "problem" that still lingered inside of me, I made my way to CVS. I went to the counter and asked for an emergency contraceptive. It had only been 48 hours so I was still okay and I said a quick prayer that it would work as I swallowed the pills and then made my way back to work.

Will came in and looked surprised to see all my stuff there already. " I know that you haven't given me your answer yet but I just HAD to get out of there, I don't care if I have to sleep on the street tonight."

"well you won't have to do that because Dustin said yes." I could have done a dance right then and there at the news, but i decided not to make a scene

"The only thing is, he said that you will have to pay 350.00 a month and in return you will get a place to sleep and one meal a day."

"Thats fine! Anything. Thank you so much, I'm so happy right now you couldn't even understand." I said

Yeah the money was kinda pricey. I only made a little over 400 each paycheck after taxes but at this point I didn't care. I was finally free!

Break Down

After being gone nearly two months, my mother decided to talk to me again.  She even mailed me a couple boxes with a few more outfits and thankfully, some more underwear.  I told her that I was in love with Lance and having the time of my life.  I was surprised at how easy it was to say now, though I felt so completely opposite.  I usually just talked about my job and the people there, it was a lot easier to talk about work because I actually did love my life there.

One day things at home with Lance went from bad to worse.  I think Lance must have been catching on to the strong desire I had growing in me to leave things there, that he started to panic.  Sometimes he would grab hold of my shoulders and look at me in the eyes and with such a pitiful voice say "Please don't leave me".  I would assure him I would do no such thing but I could tell in his eyes he didn't believe me, but I was never that great of a liar. He had even given me an iPod Nano he had found at work, perhaps as a sort of bribe. Then one night, while I was wasted as usual, he decided to try and get me pregnant.  

Perhaps it was because I was too drunk to really realize what  had happened , or I just tried to avoid it all together,  but it didn't really get through my head what Lance did until the next day.

I went to work that morning and as much as I tried, I could not stop thinking about what was about to happen to my life.  I wanted to just reach through my skin and pull out what he had put inside of me, but I knew that was impossible.  The first half of my day until lunch seemed to drag along, which wasn't normal for me.  Chamberlin's was my escape from everything, but this seemed to be something that wouldn't leave me alone.

When it was my lunch break I went out to the side and sat on one of the benches in the square.  I put on my new Ipod and tried to get lost in the music.  I chain smoked cigarettes in a attempt to loosen the tightness in my chest, but it only helped for the duration of the drag before consuming me once more.  I decided to walk around the square for a while and think.  The music seemed to fall around me like a shell of some sort and I felt myself separate from the world.  There was a line in the song I was listening to that went " I am finding now, that maybe I was wrong.  That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone."  I couldn't help but to just start crying, and I mean sobbing.  Everything I had been holding in for so long came bursting out and I didn't care.  I just turned the music up loud and let it out.  I walked around and people stared at me but I didn't care.  I felt God telling me to let go.. to stop controlling to ask for help and the feeling was overwhelming.  I sat down on another bench and watched people as I continued crying.  Most people would either pretend I wasn't there or look at me awkwardly as they walked by. Then a girl came and sat down next to me. I was almost angry at first, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, but to just sit there and feel sorry for myself.  She was about thirteen and appeared to be with her grandmother and little brother.  She put her arms around me and asked what was wrong.  " I told her that I had messed up my life, and I didn't know what to do."  She gave me a hug and told me that it would get better and that she was here for me. She talked to me some more for a while, some stories about people she had known that were hurting and what not, but I didn't really hear all of it.  However there was something about her presence I found comforting. When she finally got up and  followed her grandmother, I went back to my sobbing once more.  I just wasn't done letting it all out, and I was more than surprised when she came back and handed me a giant chocolate covered pretzel.  She smiled at me and told me things would get better and bounced away.  I stared at the pretzel in my hand and I felt at peace once more.  I had finished crying, and in good time too because my lunch hour was over.  I walked back to work slowly, letting all my thoughts rattle through my head as I tried to figure out what I was going to do. I walked through the sliding glass doors and tried to hide the fact that I had been crying, but failed miserably.  Will shot me a concerned look and I told him the story of what happened later that night as I waited for my ride.  

"I just need to get out of there, but I have no where to go" I said as I took a drag of my last cigarette. ( I had just bought the pack that morning )

Will sat quietly for a while looking at his shoes thinking I suppose before he spoke up again.  "You know, I could probably talk to Dustin and see if you can come stay with us?"

"really?" 

"Yeah, I don't think you should be in that place anymore."

"that would be amazing and really mean a lot to me.  I honestly don't know what I would do without you." and just as the sentence left my mouth, I noticed Lance pulling into the lot.

"Well let me know tomorrow" I asked before finally climbing into the car.

Getting started

I never got sick of working while I lived with Lance.  It was my escape, a chance for me to pretend that I wasn't falling apart inside.  I still hadn't cried about anything since the airport but I could feel it sitting in the pit of my stomach, twisting and knotting, waiting to break me down.  I was good at pretending everything was fine though, and could even laugh and joke with Teresa all day.  

Will was really quiet , I guess he was just really shy, but I had to start talking to him first.  I asked him all sorts of questions because I wanted to see what he was all about.  He was from Arkansas and had been talked into moving to Orlando by his roommate and best friend Dustin.  He was from some little town with nothing going on, and had gone to school at some christian university for a while before coming here.  I enjoyed talking about life and past adventures with him, and I found that he was a really sweet patient person.  He seemed to be the only one around there who sensed I wasn't as happy as I tried to come off as.

We really didn't have too much in common, other than having a broken past and both experimenting with drugs to help deal.  For some reason I found myself asking him lots of questions about God and the bible and what he thought about things.  God had always felt so far away to me, as if he were always busy with other things and didn't have time to worry about what was going on in my life.  However, I found myself thinking about him more and more.  I felt for some reason, that I had his attention and he had something to say. I just hadn't heard it yet.

Chamberlin's was such a weird place.  Everyday at least one or two people tried to convince me to go vegan, however I found their argument lacking as I looked at their petite pale frames.  Every single one of them looked as if a slight breeze could knock them over.  One woman who worked in the vitamin and supplements asked me one day if I chose to work at Chamberlins because I was a vegetarian like her. "Oh no" I said " Don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eating them too."  She just stared at me for a while as if I had just drop kicked a kitten. Needless to say, she didn't talk to me again for a while.  

The strange people were my favorite though, they made my day so much more interesting.  Lindsey was probably the strangest person and also a regular.  He was in his late sixties, extremely thin, wore thick glasses and had a humpback.  Everyday he would come in after the lunch rush and order the "harvest" with a shot of wheat grass.  However he would run off as quickly as possible because the sound of the juicer would cause him to cover his ears and rock back and forth, as if any second he were going to explode.  He usually paid with a ten dollar bill and afterward, would count the change out loud multiple times again while rocking.  He would usually talk about how bad his cataracts were getting or how frustrated he was with someone around him.  Sometimes he would ask me strange questions out of no where. On valentines day, he looked at the cupid stickers stuck to the sneeze guard of the salad bar and asked me, "What do you think it would be like if cupid had a crossbow??"  "hmm, I don't lindsey, I've never really thought about it, probably not so romantic huh? I said.  Lindsey was odd to say the least, but not someone I would soon forget.

There was one other regular I would never forget either.  His name was Paul, or "Paul the Juice guy".  Everyday he would come in and buy about four large glasses of vegetable juice. He was probably in his late fifties, tall, thin and seemed to be malnourished (He was a vegan, go figure).  He was always in good spirits with a big smile on his face and always had some encouraging words for anyone around.  He told me one day that he felt he was supposed to help me out, that he was supposed to take me under his wing and teach me about life.  After that, he came in everyday and would talk to me about different things to do or not do as I went through life.  The most important lesson he said, was to love everyone.  I did enjoy his conversation, but he often times got me into trouble because I wasn't on task while he was lecturing me.  However, somehow I never lost my job and I still found time to listen to what Paul the juice guy, had to say.

I closed most nights, and usually told Lance to pick me up an hour after I got off.

I tried my best to keep myself away from him as long as possible.  Even though it was usually late when we finished closing, and he still had a three mile bike ride ahead of him, Will would always talk and smoke cigarettes with me while I waited for my ride.  It was nice to finally feel like I had a real friend in Orlando.

First Day

I had been staying with Lance and his family for a little over a month when I finally got a job.  It was located about 25-20 minutes from Lance's house in Winter Park.  I really liked Winter Park.  It was a lot fancier than the area I was staying and the strip I worked in was really pretty with water fountains and cute shops.  The place I got a job at was called Chamberlin's Natural Foods.  It was a health food store that was all the rage with the local vegetarians and vegans.  I was to work in the Deli/ cafe` section of the store. My manager's name was Lari and She was about 5 foot, plump and had short bright red hair.  She talked to you as if she was going to reach over and pinch your cheeks at any moment and tell you what a good little girl you were!  I was given 7.50 an hour and 40 hours a week.  Honestly I would have worked there if she had only started me at three dollars. 

I was so excited my first day of work that I got up three hours early just to get ready.  I felt like it was my first day of middle school again or something. Lance's mom drove me to work that day.  She was the scariest driver ever, and had the worst road rage.  Her hip problem made her driving very jerky and needless to say I was extremely thankful that we had arrived in one piece.  I said thanks and hoped out of the car. 

 First they just put me on the cash registers for a while so I could get a hang of it, and then they sent me back to the deli area.  It was just Lari, a Black women named Teresa and a guy named Will that day. Lari gave me the run down of things and then sent me to Teresa to train. "My name is Teresa, but you can call me Motha Teresa, because I will be actin like yo motha while you here."  She was about my height and a little thick, about in her early forties. "Not a lot of people like me here because Im bossy, but I know how to get things done so they just deal with it."  I liked Teresa's personality, she was bossy, but she always had something funny to say about everyone and I liked that.  Teresa couldn't stand Lari and they were always getting into it. I didn't blame her though.  Lari got on my nerves really quickly.  Whenever Lari would tell you to do something, she would say it in this high pitched voice as if you were two years old and had just learned how to talk,.  She was obsessed with working, and Teresa told me that she even came in on her days off because she had nothing else to do. I did feel kinda bad for her after that, I mean you must be real lonely to come hang out at the place you work on your days off. 

Will was 19, the same age as me and was from Arkansas.  He was tall and had a thick build.  His hair was long and black and he had little thin mustache that reminded me of Zorro. His cheeks were really red all the time as if he had just finished running or something, and Teresa gave him a hard time about it. "What's wrong with yo face Will?  Why you all red? You should go to the doctor or something, you ain't supposed to be that red." She would say over and over.  I felt bad for him, he seemed really shy and Im sure that he was probably very self conscious about it.

The day seemed to fly by.  It felt so great to be away from that house, and Lance and when I finally snapped back to the reality that I had to go back I got really depressed.  I told Teresa the story about how I had moved here to be with a guy I met on the internet and how much older he was than me. "Girl you must be outta your mind! Whatchu doin here like this? you only a baby!" she yelled.  I knew I couldn't explain myself, I knew it was dumb but I didn't want to tell her the truth, that I was miserable. "I bet your momma is losin her mind right now with you gone!" 

"I don't know, she won't even talk to me." I said. I told her about how my parents had disowned me basically and that I hadn't talked to them in over a month now. "Oh, they just hurtin' cuz their baby's gone and they don't know what to do." she said and I guessed she was probably right. When it was time to leave and Lance pulled up, it took everything I had to look happy to see him.

becoming comfortable

Most of my days were spent the same.  Lance would go to work and I would hang out with Neil and Carly all day until he got back.  The night usually went the same as well, and alcohol became my best friend.  On Lance's days off we would go job hunting for me.  Surprisingly I was really excited to find a job.  I was getting bored of sitting around all day long, trapped in that house. I hoped that I would maybe even find a job that worked late hours so that I could escape Lance's demands. It wasn't the easiest thing finding a job, especially since I didn't have a social security card with me, but I kept trying and hoping soon I would.  I thought that maybe if I had a job and could start saving money, I might be able to figure out a way to get out of this mess.

Days went by, and then the days turned into weeks.  I started to miss my family but my sister was the only one who would talk to me.  Sometimes my sister would call me crying about how much I hurt her leaving her there, or after she had tried numerous times to get my mother to speak to me, without success.  Despite what I was going through I couldn't get myself to tell my sister the truth about what was going on.  Not only did I think she was too young to know the whole truth, but I also felt she had seen enough already from when I lived at home.  She was always the one who would find me covered in blood in the corner of my room after coming down from one of my drug binges.  How many times had she seen me get into physical fights with my parents?  How many times had she seen me fuck up my life, and for some reason she never gave up on me?  What kind of sister was I to her, what kind of example had I led?  I couldn't tell her what I had done now.  I couldn't fail her again, so I lied.  I told her that I was having an amazing time.  I told her about how great a guy Lance was, and that I was beginning to think I loved him.  I told her that I was finding a job and then applying for one of the community colleges.  I could tell she believed me because she didn't sound so sad on the phone after a while and instead of crying, would fill me in on all the stuff that was going on back home.  My sister was so strong to me.  I hoped so bad that she would never turn out like me, ever.

I decided that if I could lie to my sister about how things were, maybe I could lie to myself as well.  I started telling myself that Lance was a good guy, and that I really was falling for him, so I started playing the part.  I held his hand and even kissed him back.  He would tell me he loved me and I would tell him I loved him too, hoping some how that maybe if i heard the words out loud, they would become real. However, sometimes when I said that I would start crying. I guess because it scared me. When this happened Lance would look at me all puzzled and ask what was wrong, so I would just tell him it was because I loved him so much, and he believed me.  After a while, Lance started introducing me to people as his fiance` even though I had no ring.  People would give strange looks when they heard but I would just go a long with it, thinking to myself, there is no way in hell I could spend the rest of my life with this man.

day after

I felt like shit the next morning, physically and emotionally.  Lance left for work around the time I woke up and his mom had already left for work as well.  Neil was home, but was sleeping still.  I was really glad to be alone, and made my way downstairs to raid the fridge.  After I ate I decided a shower would probably help me feel better. The shower upstairs was really gross.  There were hair shavings all over the floor and the toilet bowl didn't look like it had ever been clean.  The water in the shower was really hard and made my eyes blood shot, but the warm water felt so good.  I sat in the bottom of the tub and made the water as hot as I could stand.  I washed my body at least 5 times and still felt dirty. I pulled my legs toward my body and wished I could just become like the water, and pour down the drain.

When I was all done and dressed, I realized I had nothing to do.  Lance had told me not to go anywhere before he left and the house didn't have internet.  There was only one tv downstairs other than Neil's and it only picked up one channel.  By around 2 Carly came over to see Neil, so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to not go insane.  Neil's room was small and always smelled like smoke and dog.  The door was missing so instead he had a sheet duck taped at the top.  Although I am extremely shy, I toughened up and knocked on the door frame.  They were really friendly and let me come in with them.  I had a feeling they wouldn't be doing anything other than sitting there.  I told them about how bored I was and they offered me some weed.  It felt sooooo good.  I took the biggest hit I could manage to fit in my asthmatic lungs and  held it in until I thought I might pass out.  Pretty soon I was completely relaxed and really really thirsty.  I had quit smoking cigarettes about a month previous but decided once I saw a pack sitting there, that it was exactly what I needed.  I was so content hanging out with them in there, watching family guy on Neil's computer and chain smoking cigarettes.  I was enjoying myself so much that I had almost forgot why I was there, or how I had gotten there.  I didn't even think about it until I saw Lance walk into the room. I wished I could crawl into the crack of the sofa.  He came over and kissed me.  It was wet as usual. He told me to come with him, because we were going to go pick up some beer.  We went across the street to the local Albertson's and bought 12 red stripes then made our way back to the house.  Thankfully we drank them with Carly and Neil. I drank as many as I could because I could tell by the way Lance was touching my leg that he probably had the same plans as the night before. I would come to find out that alcohol was my new favorite medicine.  

After Lance had taken back to the room, had his way and passed out, I turned over again and stared at the wall.  I thought about God.  Lance didn't believe in God and it made me think about it now. I had decided a while ago that God was real, but just didn't really have time for me.  I didn't really blame him, I had been told no one would love me for years since I was a little girl and always figured that that went for God too.  Despite what I thought about the way God felt about me, I closed my eyes and prayed.  I begged him to help me get out of this mess somehow.

The change

I was glad it took Lance a while to get back, I needed the time to think and let go.  I didn't want to have to talk about it with him.  When I got to the car he had that huge stupid grin on his face and he started in right away about how happy he was that I decided to stay and that I was doing the right thing.

We got back to his moms house and everyone seemed to look really surprised when they found out what I did. "Man you sure have some balls" Neil said. "yeah I could never do something like that" Carly chimed in.  I just kinda shrugged my shoulders and went upstairs. Lance walked in a little while after me."I have to go back to work tomorrow, and you are going to have to find a job so you can pay my mom for the food and rent. Then we should see about getting someone to drive your car down here."he said very flatly.  "ummm.. okay" I said, shocked at the abruptness of his demands. The he said, "However, tonight we are going to go out and party."  We went downstairs and ate some spaghetti and then left for the bars.  I was happy to see the strip, i was glad that I would have something to help get my mind off of all the drama that had been going on. First we went to a bar that looked like a cabin.  There weren't that many people inside but he said it was a good bar.  We sat down and a strange man walked up to us.  He was about 5'4" with long blonde hair in a pony tail, with the bottom half of his head shaved, and he had a bunch of beers in his hand.  "Who wants to shot gun!!!" He yelled, making a face like some professional wrestler getting ready to attack.  Of course I volunteered, free beer!  I went outside with him and two other guys and on the mark we stabbed our beers and chugged. Surprisingly I actually won the first round, but came in third the second.  Since I was never a big drinker, those two beers were enough to give me a pretty good buzz.  We walked down the strip to another place called Back booth.  It was bigger than the first place and had much more people in it, with a big screen showing music videos to what was playing.  There was a stage but no one playing. Lance showed me around to some of his friends and bought me drinks.  By the time we left I was more than wasted to say the least. 

All I remember about the drive home was loud music and lots of wind.  When we got to the house Lance took me upstairs and threw me on the bed.  Then he started taking off my clothes and kissing me heavily again.  They were so wet and gross, but I was drunk and didn't know what to do.  Everything was spinning like crazy and It was as if I didn't even have time to think about what was happening.  Before I knew it I was naked and things were going to a whole other level.  My heart was beating fast and I felt I was going to pass out so I just laid there and let it happen, I didn't know what else to do.  I tried to imagine he was someone else, or that I was the one who wanted this, but it didn't really help.  Despite the fact that the world was spinning, I could still make out his facial expression as he took complete advantage of me. His eyes were so dark and empty, and the way he looked at me made my skin crawl.  I waited for it to be over, but it seemed like hours.  After he finished he turned over and passed out and I laid there staring at the wall.  I was in shock.  It was like too much had happened in one day that I couldn't take it all in.  I couldn't believe how different he had become in just a day.  I felt like a fool.  I pulled myself as close to the wall as possible and shut my eyes tight.  Then one last thought went through my head before I finally fell asleep.  You really are all alone.

The Four days

The next morning I woke up and officially met his family.  His mom was downstairs.  She looked like she was in her late sixties with white white hair that was pulled back in a bun.  She talked really fast and anytime you said something she would say "Mhm Mhm Mhm Mhm" over and over while she listened.  There was something wrong with her hip that caused her to have to rock her body back and forth with each step, as if her ankles were bonded together.  She seemed very confused about her spiritual beliefs, as if she took bits and pieces from each one.  Every now and then she would burn some sort of incense bag around the house.  Lance said it was something Indians used to do.

Lances dad had died about 6 years ago from being an alcoholic.  Lance didn't really tell me a whole lot about him, and if he did it made him sad, so I never really asked.  Neil was his younger brother, twenty four at the time.  He was dating a girl named Carly who was the same age as me.  Neil was really smart and didn't look quite as puerto rican as Lance.  Although Neil was obviously intelligent, he was extremely lazy.  In fact, all him and Carly did most of the time was smoke weed and watch tv or play video games.  They were both a little over weight and ate most of the food in the house, but I liked their laid back personalities and found out later that I really enjoyed their company.

After the introductions, we left and went to all the different malls.  Im usually not a big shopper but it was fun to see what the malls were like there.  There was a store that sold nothing but M&M's in every color, and another that had a wave pool in the store.  There were also a lot of skate parks inside the malls, which I thought was interesting. Then we went and got some food.  Lance wasn't really that bad of a guy but it was strange talking to him.  Even though he was so much older than me, sometimes I felt as if i were talking to a child or something.  Lets just say he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. 

The next few days were kinda the same, and to be honest I had a pretty good time.  We just went around to all the different places in Orlando.  He bought me a necklace and some new lip rings and always paid for whatever we ate.  It really seemed like he wasn't that bad of a guy after all.

The four days actually went by quickly and by the time I was supposed to leave, I didn't want to go.  Yeah the set up sucked, and Im positive I was not as into Lance as he was into me, but it still seemed so much better than my situation at home.  We drove to the airport and I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't supposed to go back.  Maybe it was just me wanting to run away from my troubles, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to stay there.  I was late for my flight, but it was okay because everything was delayed.  I found out later that my connecting flight was going to be delayed a whole day so wherever i went, I was going to be stuck a whole 24 hours due to snow.  I thought about it for a while, but as they called my section to start seating the flight, I couldn't help but just sit there and watch.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my mind was spinning out of control.  I must have looked panicked, because a woman next to me asked if I was alright and I just stared at her for a second and finally replied "Oh yes, Im wonderful" and walked off.  

My heart was still going crazy as I called my parents to tell them I wasn't coming home.  My mom answered first.  I told her the situation with the flights and then told her that I had decided to stay for a while, and I wasn't sure when I would be back.  At first she thought I was joking and laughed  and then it was just silent for a moment. "Chelsea, are you out of your fucking mind??" She yelled, breaking the silence. "maybe" I said " but I've been thinking about it, and its what Im going to do. Im sorry"  She started yelling about how dumb I was and that she couldn't believe I would do something like this to them.  Then she put my father on the phone. "What the fuck is going on??" He yelled into the receiver. "Have I completely failed you as a parent or what??"   I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything and just waited for him to start again.  "You better catch another flight home or you can just say goodbye to being a part of this family, we won't have anything to do with you if you go through with this."  His voice was very cold and angry.  It hurt bad to hear him say those things but I had made up my mind.  I just couldn't go back there. I couldn't.  I told him that I was sorry and that I loved them and hung up the phone.  Then I called my friend Vicki.  I tried to explain what had happened and it really hurt to hear how sad she was that I was doing this.  I begged her to pack up my stuff so that my parents wouldn't take it, because I was afraid they would sell it or keep it from me, and I was hoping to have her send me my stuff in the mail later.  After a lot of pleading, she finally agreed and it made me sad because I realized how great a friend she was, and that I was really going to miss her.  

I finally called Lance to pick me up and sat one the benches in the airport while I waited.  Then out of no where it seemed I just started sobbing.  I didn't really care that much that people were looking, and even if I did care, I doubt there was anything I could do to stop.  I was really scared all the sudden.  If something happened, I had no where to go.  My parents had basically disowned me, and I didn't know anyone around here to go to if I needed them. I was completely alone, and I had no idea what I was doing. 

Air Port/ the first night.

I found a ride to the airport and took off a little after 6 a.m.  The plane ride felt long because of how nervous I was.  I was about to meet a man eleven years older than me in another state, whom I had never met before.  If someone else had told me they were doing this alone, I would have thought they had a death wish, but Maybe I did.

The plane landed and I walked down the terminal, going as slow as possible.  Part of me wanted to turn around, but I kept walking.  I called Lance, not recognizing any of the faces as the ones I thought I knew in the pictures.  He directed me to an area outside of one of the gifts shops. Though I still didn't recognize the faces, I noted one which must have been him, seeing that he was on a phone and waving in my general direction.  As I got closer and closer and his image was made clearer and clearer, I felt my insides collapse in.  He didn't look hardly anything like the pictures.  They were either from when he was much younger, or were edited on photoshop, because I honestly would have never picked him out to be this person I thought i knew.  I knew he was half puerto rican, but up close he looked 100%.  His eyes were squinty when he smiled and his nose was large and flat.  His teeth had obviously never worn braces and the wrinkles on his face aged him accordingly.  Despite his age, he wore clothes punk guys my age would be wearing.  A grunge T-shirt, tight black pants, loafers and a trucker hat. He had his fathers name tattooed on his neck and a sleeve down his right arm.  He was also a couple inches shorter than me and had what appeared to be a small beer belly.  Needless to say, he was not what I had expected at all.  However, my pride was too big to even admit to myself I was disappointed, so I sucked it up and pretended like I was excited to see him.

We made the awkward walk to his car holding hands.  He never stopped smiling the whole time and it made me squirm inside.  We finally reached his car, which I later found out was actually his mothers car, because he didn't own his own car, then we made the 30 minute drive to his house.  He lived in a rough part of Orlando.  Not the worst, but if you drove past his house a few miles you would see prostitutes walking the streets to give you an idea.  His house was actually a three bedroom, two bath condo.  He lived with His brother and mother (which was also news to me)   The inside had poor lighting and was hardly decorated. The furniture looked at least 20 years old and the carpets were...... disgusting to say the least.  I Later found out that they didn't own a vacuum and hadn't vacuumed their house since they bought it, six years ago.  His brother owned a dog, which made this fact a lot worse.  There were a few spots on the carpet that were dark and nasty and I was too scared to ask what had happened there and I assumed I didn't want to know anyways.

His bedroom was a little cleaner.  At least he wasn't a slob.  It was slightly decorated with Christmas lights and a japanese flag strung across the back wall. It had a huge window on the far side of the wall and the room was big enough to fit a full size bed, futon, coffee table, computer desk and tv comfortably.  I sat my stuff down and sat on the bed.  He came over with a creepy look on his face and started kissing me heavily all over. I kissed him back a little and then pushed him off suggesting that he show me around Orlando.  He stepped back and looked at me a moment then agreed.  We started driving around and I liked that it felt like early summer despite it being late January. The scenery was much nicer when we left his neighborhood.  He showed me all the local skate shops and the many malls.  When it got later we went downtown and walked the strip where he showed me his favorite bars.  I was only 19 but found that not too many people think to card you when you are with a thirty year old.  I really liked Orlando.  It was fun and exciting to me.  I liked the buildings and the bars and clubs.  There were so many neat people and so much more going on than in Indiana.  When we got home I was exhausted.  I felt uncomfortable with the fact that he assumed we were sharing the same bed and tried to pretend I was asleep before he got in.  Perhaps he let me sleep because it was the first night, who knows but i was relieved to hear his snores before I finally fell asleep for real.

The House

"Cheeelllllseeeaaa, it's time!!" Josh yelled through my door. Like usual Josh was at my door ready to wake and bake before going to work. With a grown I got up and opened the door, I never passed up such an invitation. Josh was one of my roommates. There were four of us, Josh, Bone (the landlord), Brad and Me. Our house was pretty big but nasty. The people who lived in it before had destroyed it. It seemed that no matter what we did, we could never get rid of the smell of cigarettes and dog piss. My room was upstairs in the very back. It was the only room other than the master that had its own bathroom. It was a cute little bathroom and I had painted it a really pretty bluish purple color, which gave it a victorian feel I thought. I liked my room minus one thing... the ants. Huge black creatures that came out of EVERYTHING it seemed. I couldn't even run the water out of the tub without thousands, and I mean thousands, shooting out of the spout and all over the place. It was sick. I bought ant traps but it didn't do much. What made things worse, was that I slept on a futon mattress right on the floor. Every night before I went to bed I would stomp on as many as I could and then try to fall asleep before more showed up. It would gross me out how the bodies would always be missing when I woke up the next morning. I can't imagine how many must have crawled all over me while I slept.

Josh came in and sat down next to me on my mattress. We loaded up my bong and joked about our shitty house as we took long deep drags. Josh was my favorite roommate. He was always happy and fun and was the only one in the house that smoked weed besides me. Everyday after we both got off work we would go in his room and smoke as much as we could listening to the best music you could imagine. Then he would play drums or we would go downstairs and beat everyone at guitar hero. Bone was the landlord and also my ex. We were kinda dating before I moved in, while we were fixing the house up. However, things didn't work out later but I moved in anyways. It was always a little awkward to be around him, not only because we once dated, but also because he was against drinking and smoking and I did it all. He had converted the downstairs living room and dining room into a recording studio. Because of this, there were ALWAYS a thousand people over. Even though I paid 450 a month, it felt more like I lived in a homeless shelter. Brad had the bedroom downstairs and was also the one who held the guitar hero tournaments. Him and his brother David played waaay too much, and were insanely good because of it. Brad loved to drink. He would always have some girl over and they would drink vodka out of a little girls tea set. Brad never drank beer. No, Brads drink of choice was a cosmopolitan. He drank a whole bottle almost every night in fact.

Everyday was busy. I worked at the fresh market and Noodles and company and also was a full time student at Ivy tech down town. Even though I worked all the time, I only made enough money to pay my rent, gas and maybe a little weed. I went to my parents house at least once a week to raid the fridge and take as many cans of soup and ramen noodles as I could get away with. If it wasn't for them I would probably have starved.

Despite my good times with Josh and my other friends. My life at the house was getting old. I was overworked and underpaid and I was really starting to feel ripped off my Bone. I knew that my ant infested room was not worth $450 a month. especially since I couldn't even use my own shower. I met a guy on myspace one day named Lance. He just messaged me out of no where, and after taking a look at his pictures, I decided he looked cute enough to talk to. We started talking for a while online, and then on the phone. I really wanted to meet him but he lived in Florida. There was one other problem. He was 30. Eleven years older than me at the time, but I decided that he looked really young for his age from his pictures so it didn't bother me much. Rent was due in a couple weeks but I decided to take the money I had, and spend it on a four day trip to Orlando. Josh was really sad when I told him I was leaving. Even though I said it was only going to be four days, he seemed to think I wasn't coming back. I told him I would miss him the most, and I meant it. The day I left, everyone had gone to work and it was one of the few times no one else was around but me. I packed a single carry on bag and grabbed my laptop. As I locked my door, I looked down and saw a few ants running out through the crack. "I can't wait to get out of this dump" I said to myself as I turned around, unaware of all that lay ahead of me.

Introduction

Just so everyone knows.  This is NOT my story.. its only a part of my story.  I might have mentioned before that it was but its not.  Some say its my testimony, but even that might be a stretch. 

 To tell my story would be to start at the beginning, and frankly, Im not sure Im ready to go there yet.  I want to write about Florida because it was a major event in my life that has changed me the most I think.  I went there as one person and came back a totally different one.  I want to write it down because I feel like people need to know.  I feel like I need to write it down so that I never forget exactly how I felt, how people looked, how life seemed.  Im not worried about forgetting the part of my story im leaving out, because know that even if I wanted to, I could never forget.

There are many things about this time I am not proud of.  Perhaps if I did decide to start at the VERY beginning  you would understand how I got that way, but for now I will just save that for another time. So here it goes.  Im not sure I will stick to it.  That I will ever finish it.  But heres my attempt. 

re·demp·tion   [ri-demp-shuhn]---The act or action of being saved from sin, error, or evil